Kevin Sings the News: 'Why I'm Not a Criminal'
Patch troubadour Kevin Trudo explains why he hasn't dedicated his life to crime in this week's song.
One thing you learn pretty quickly in this job: there are a lot of crazy criminals, doing a lot of crazy crime.
Patch troubadour Kevin Trudo has noticed this, and for this week’s song, he explains why he just wouldn’t stack up in next to the people who end up in our police blotters every day. For instance, there’s the man who drunkenly drove his truck through a cornfield in Yorkville. Or the Romeoville man accused of stalking an employee at a gentleman’s club.
Or how about the guy in Darien who stole a vacuum cleaner, and then tried to return it to the same store for a refund? And then there’s the man who just got 10 years in jail for stealing 1,500 Oxycontin pills from a Montgomery pharmacy. Oh, and there’s the fellow who robbed a Meijer store and then fled from the cops… across an airport tarmac.
The song is called “Why I’m Not a Criminal.” By the way, when we asked Kevin just how many of his personal reflections here were true, he replied, “Some.”
Lyrics are reprinted below for your convenience. For more on Kevin Trudo, check out his Facebook page.
Why I’m Not a Criminal
I drove my truck into a beanfield once
Drunker than a poet then
Some guy in Yorkville plays my greatest hits
And takes a cornfield for a spin
I fell in love one time in Texas
With a half-dressed beauty on a stage
But when the order of protection cleared
I had the sense to walk away
I could never find the steady hands
A vacuum's just too big a box
And then return it to the same place
Takes the cojones of an ox
But I was never good at stealing
Maybe some post-its or a pen
But he hit the pharmacy for 1500 pills
That little caper got him 10
I took some liquor from my parents, yes
Add water back up to a quart
Guess when you boost it from a Meijer
You make a break through an airport
As much as I like public nudity
I really never had the curves
But at 8:30 in the evening
Mr Yankleway found the nerve
I guess that's why I'm not a criminal
Guess that explains an awful lot
It explains why I can drive my car and see my friends and
Give thanks for what I got
I give thanks for what I got
Give some thanks for everything I got